Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Dear Enemies and Friends,



Why are we all so alone here? All we need is a little more hope, a little more joy. All we need is a little more light, a little less weight, a little more freedom. If we were an army, and if we believed that we were an army, and we believed that everyone was scared like little lost children in their grown up clothes and poses; so we ended up alone here floating through long wasted days, or great tribulations. While everything felt wrong. Good words, strong words, words that could've moved mountains. Words that no one ever said. We were all waiting to hear those words and no one ever said them. And the tactics never hatched. And the plans were never mapped. And we all learned not to believe. And strange lonesome monsters loafed through the hills wondering why. And it is best to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wonder why. So tangle -- oh tangle us up in bright red ribbons! Let's have a parade. It's been so long since we had a parade, so let's have a parade! Let's invite all our friends. And all our friends' friends! Let's promenade down the boulevards with terrific pride and light in our eyes: twelve feet tall and staggering. Sick with joy with the angels there and light in our eyes. Brothers and Sisters, hope still waits in the wings like a bitter spinster; impatient, lonely and shivering, waiting to build her glorious fires. it's because of our plans man; our beautiful ridiculous plans. Let's launch them like careening jetplanes. Let's crash all our planes in the river. Let's build strange and radiant machines at this Jericho waiting to fall.

I keep having these existential breakdown moments where I think, "Can I even do this?" The answer is yes, it is always yes, it will always be yes, but I don't know. You know what I mean?

I've been thinking a lot about my major too. It took me forever to finally just be like, I want to do biology, so I'm going to do biology. I am so so so happy with it too. But now I have to think, what do I want to do with it? Well, I've switched from Ecology and Evolution to Cell and Molecular, because I've been so inspired this semester, with Dr. Meigs and Calla (my TA) and it's been amazing. I kind of love it. I know it'll be a lot harder, but I can do it. But then, what am I going to do with cell and molecular? I know I always said I never want to be a doctor, I don't do that blood stuff, plus I want to do research, but I'm having second thoughts. I don't know. To save people's lives... that's amazing. But I really really want to do research. And I really don't like all that blood stuff. And I don't want to be in school for the next 10 years of my life, but it would be so amazing to be like a surgeon or something and know that everyday you are saving people's lives, people will go on living and being happy and maybe get one more chance at something because of you. I don't know. I've got time. I'm on a good track. I'll stick out the 5 year plan at Asheville, and keep on moving on to where ever and I'll figure it out eventually. But everytime I listen to Calla or Ben or any of the other kids in Dr. Meig's lab talk about their research, I always think, "I will never be that smart." They are seriously some of the smartest kids I know, and I love them, and I admire them so much for what they do. I want to be like them. I want to work in Meig's lab and do cancer research. Meig's is amazing.